Sometimes you have to be completely honest with yourself, and sometimes you learn something new. Helene moved to London and went on a journey of self exploration. Now she shares it with the Skint readers.
Text: Helene Fritz
Some days I wished I wasn’t me. I wished I was someone who wouldn’t worry so much about everything, or needed to overthink every little detail. It is exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to constantly worry. I have always been this way, though I just realised it more recently.
While it was so hard to acknowledge all my flaws, all the wrong turns I’ve taken, there is nothing I would take back. All these decisions I shouldn’t have made, the moments I should have behaved different, and all the little things I don’t like about myself, they all led me to the moment I could finally start to take my life in my own hands. There was a moment where I suddenly did not think “the world is cruel”, or “why is this happening to me” anymore.
At one point I realised I could do so much more than sit around and complain about everything. I realised I am not a victim of life. Though that is how I felt: Like a victim. When this thought is in your head for long enough, you start believing it. It is a long way from being led by life to leading your own life. There was a point I realised I am worth so much more than I thought. I used to think I deserve sadness. And that men deep inside didn’t want me, when they said they did. Or that I deserve people who didn’t really care about me. An endless disappointment. I thought I deserved all this. And I guess that was my mistake.
This past year was not always easy, but it was so eyeopening and I have learned and experienced more about myself than I ever did before.
It all started when I moved to London. I was beyond excited, for this new life, and even though I hoped for much, for the first time, I didn’t put myself under pressure. I tried to take things however they came, and I think this is what made it so easy for me in the beginning.
Whenever you expect, you put pressure on yourself as well as your surrounding. It lies within your emanation and the people you surround yourself with will feel it and act towards it. And I always expect things. From my self, from the people I around me, from life. I have this idea how things should work, and that is my mistake. In spite of my personal perception, this is not how life works. Whenever things don’t turn out the way I wanted it to, I get so disappointed and sad, and it is so hard to not let this disappointment out onto other people. I learned that the real key is to let things be. To accept everything the way it comes. Because life will come, no matter what. I just always thought the only right solution to respond to life is a negative one. A self-pitying, the “glass is half empty”-respond. I never learned that there was a another way to face the bad, (and also the good) things in life. To take the good with the bad.
Maybe this is faith, maybe it is confidence, maybe it is innate in some people, but for me it took a whole lot of time, disappointment, tears and work to finally get to the point, where I believed that I deserved a good life.